19/12/13 Anormal day, Rob had taken Harry to school, gone to the little shop and cooked breakfast. We had been enjoying the scan photo of our first grandchild. He teared up seeing the little blob. Siobhan was having a baby and we were over the moon. We sat down to watch some tv and my whole world fell apart. Rob always fell asleep when watching tv, he was the first one up and the last one to go to bed, he worked hard round the house making sure we were all looked after. I looked at him as he started to snore. I thought he had started to snore but as I looked at him something was not right. I called his name and shook him but he did not respond. I began to panic - shouting his name and shaking him hard. No response. I dragged him from the sofa and got him on the floor in the recovery position, i felt for a pulse but couldn't find one. He was gasping for breath, not breathing properly just gasps like the automatic breaths the body takes as death happens. I could see this and I was scared and confused and panicking. I called 999 and told the woman on the phone my address, my phone number and that Rob had no pulse and was breathing funny, I then threw the phone on the floor and yelled for Siobhan while I started CPR. Siobhan was watching a film in her bedroom with her boyfriend and did not hear me at first. When she did hear me she came running and I told her to talk to the woman on the phone. I was doing chest compressions and just yelling and screaming at Rob not to leave me...to fight for me and to wake up. I kept going until the paramedics arrived and they took over. I sat on the kitchen floor with Siobhan just shouting at Rob not to leave me. The air ambulance tried to land on the bit of green out the back but couldn't, they had to land about a mile away but one of our neighbours, an off duty paramedic went to get them. Everyone was working on my Rob while I strained to hear some positive comments, but all I remember is the sound of a machine that was pumping his heart for him and the doctor saying carry on. I am a nurse so I know this was not good, he wasn't responding. I started to shake, I felt sick and numb. This had to be a bad dream, a nightmare. My Rob wasn't coming back to me. I knew this but I kept hoping and wishing. The doctor came to us and said that they were going to stop the attempts and Rob would be gone. My eldest son and his fiancee had managed to get to us from work and Shona was picking Harry up from school. Robert went in to see his dad before they switched off the machines. I could not face it, nor could Siobhan. Robert was distraught but he managed to pull himself together so he could get Harry and Shona from Shonas boyfreinds house where we had told her to take him. She had no idea why. Robert went and broke the news before bringing them home. The paramedics and doctors did their absolute best for my Rob and they were very sympathetic, one of them even phoned my work to let them know what had happened and that I would not be on shift the next day. They removed all the tubes and equipment before they said we could go in to our living room to say goodbye to my wonderful man. He was lying on the floor with a red blanket over him. He looked just like he was sleeping. I took his hand and kissed his forehead. He was cold, I could not take it in, any minute now I would wake up. My heart felt like it was made of lead, my chest was tight and I felt sick. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I have never felt grief like it. How was I supposed to carry on. I had 4 kids to keep going for but at that moment all I wanted was to lay by my Rob and close my eyes forever. The rest of that day was surreal, police and funeral home coming and going. All of us just stunned. My little Harry confused and sad but trying to keep everyone's spirits up. My children came to my side that day and we got each other through that day, then the next, then the next. That's all we could do..one day at a time. Robert and Millie didn't go back to their own flat for about 2 weeks. Robert contacted people and spoke to coroners so I didn't have to, Millie was just a tower of strength for us all. Siobhan was so supportive, I did worry about the baby and the stress. Shona was just in shock. She had gone out and everything was normal then the whole world just stopped. The grieving continues and some days are better than others but I cannot see myself moving forward...I seem to be in a daze, going through the motions. My Rob is everywhere in this house. He was the homemaker he was the heart and soul of our home and he is so missed, it hurts so much and I hate the world right now. I have to go back to work. I need to go back to work and I hope being at work will let me put this to the back of my mind for a few short hours, but somehow I don't think so.